The Onion Daily Dispatch - February 07, 2012

Tue Feb 07, 2012 www.theonion.com

Intelligent, Condescending Life Discovered In Distant Galaxy 02.06.12 HOUSTON—Marking a momentous leap forward in humankind's understanding of the universe, NASA scientists announced today they had received a radio transmission confirming the existence of intelligent, extremely condescending life in a galaxy nearly 13... News in Brief » Health Department Still Not Able To Really Prove Why People Shouldn't Be Eating Candles American Voices » Migrating Whooping Cranes Stall In Alabama “Well, Alabama does seem to be a place where creatures with some ostensible direction tend to get mired.” opinion » Off The Top Of My Head by Jean Teasdale Love a good bargain as much as Jean Teasdale? Betcha you don't! For example, I don't call the third day of the week Tuesday anymore—I call it Doublecouponday! Radio News » Man In International Airport Only Speaks Business

featured section: » Horoscope » Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19 You've got tough row to hoe in front of you this week, which seems like merely a folksy euphemism until you find you've inherited a run-down potato farm. Most Popular » In The Know Panel Analyzes Obama's Furious, Profanity-Filled Rant At Nation Planned Parenthood Opens $8 Billion Abortionplex Intelligent, Condescending Life Discovered In Distant Galaxy Brain-Dead Teen, Only Capable Of Rolling Eyes And Texting, To Be Euthanized Eli Manning Asks Dad If He Can Stop Playing Football Now Health Department Still Not Able To Really Prove Why People Shouldn't Be Eating Candles

If you do not want to receive anymore emails from us, please click the following link unsubscribe. To unsubscribe via postal mail please send your request to: 536 Broadway New York NY, 10012 Please include the email address at which you have been contacted. All of our emails are sent from the domain http://www.theonion.com.