The Onion Daily Dispatch - September 15, 2011

Thu Sep 15, 2011 www.theonion.com

U.S. Economic Recovery Resting On Man Currently Perusing Sears Power Tools Section 09.15.11 WASHINGTON—Top financial experts announced this morning that any chance for the struggling U.S. economy to improve now rests solely on the shoulders of Spokane, WA resident Bill Loughlin, who is currently browsing the power tools section at Sears. News in Brief » Smithsonian Rejects Tie Dylan McDermott Wore In 'The Practice' American Voices » Fast-Cut Cartoons May Reduce Children's Focus "I know it's not ideal, but if my kid doesn't watch TV, then he might try and hug me." opinion » Well, I Guess I'll Just Take My Business To Another Soulless Multinational Corporation by Mary-Lynn Davies The nerve of you people. Treating a longtime patron with so little respect, like I'm just another walking dollar sign. If that's what passes for customer service around here, you sadly leave me with no choice but to have the exact same experience at another giant soulless multinational corporation somewhere else. Radio News » Narcissist Mentally Undresses Himself

featured section: » Horoscope » Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19 The gods do indeed enjoy playing games with our lives—tempting us with power and driving us mad with hubris—but you they just enjoy seeing hit in the balls. Most Popular » U.S. Economic Recovery Resting On Man Currently Perusing Sears Power Tools Section Bruce Springsteen Releases New Sci-Fi Concept Album About Struggles Of Poor Miners Working On Mars U.S. Commemorates 9/11 By Toasting Stable Afghan Government From Top Of Freedom Tower Fast-Cut Cartoons May Reduce Children's Focus Your Horoscopes - Week of September 13, 2011 New Study Finds Women Should Only Be Making 20 Cents Less On Dollar Than Men

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