January 31st, 2013Top StoryThe Hater's Guide To Ray LewisBy Drew Magary
Ray Lewis is a backstabber, at the very least. One of the easiest ways to hate on Ray Lewis is to bring up the 2000 stabbings. I do this all the time. STABBY STABBY STAB. Of course, no Ray Lewis hater has clear evidence that the Ravens linebacker actually stabbed anyone that night in Atlanta, and the prosecution's case was generally held to be a mess. Lewis's sworn testimony from the murder trial of Joseph Sweeting and Reginald Oakley is a matter of public record. In it, Lewis says that he never saw anyone pull a knife that night, and he never saw anyone stab anyone. He essentially says a group of guys started shit with his crew, and when shit got out of control and a fight broke out, Lewis fled.
Of course, Lewis gave this testimony as part of a plea to a reduced charge, so any seasoned hater like me can easily spin this into a story about Ray Lewis being both a stabby stabber and a rat. You can also take his testimony as the truth, but the problem with that is ... Ray Lewis loves selling his own victimhood. Here's a man who has been shown praying on the cover of Sports Illustrated TWICE now. He should just start his own magazine featuring a new prayer shot every month. Here's Ray Lewis praying on an airplane! Here's Ray Lewis praying at a cemetery! Here's Ray Lewis praying next to a bowl of onion dip! CAN'T YOU SEE THAT HE IS A MAN LOOKING TO GOD FOR ANSWERS?! He's been through the FIRE, dammit! Lewis has been pushing this narrative on the American public since 2000, when he basically nailed himself to a cross for Dan Le Batard:
Six years later, he did the same thing in Sports Illustrated:
I think he means "walk" in the sense of an acquittal, but Ray's been martyring himself for so long that it's entirely possible he thinks of himself now as a mix of Rudy and Brian Piccolo. The worst part is that people in the media are still lapping up all this warm shit:
Yes, that's a great question. Ray, are you having more FUN at this media day? Because it's way important to us that you smile and enjoy your time in the spotlight here. YOU DESERVE SOME POSITIVE ATTENTION FOR ONCE! You can see how this grates on people. You don't have to believe Ray Lewis is guilty of stabbing two men to hate his guts and want him to fall down a well. All you have to do is see him take an unfortunate situation and use it to contrive his own phony redemption story. Your white-hot hatred is set to go! Ray Lewis loves only a certain type of attention. Here's Lewis lecturing the media this week for daring to ask him about the Sweeting/Oakley case:
You understand that, media? None of you know anything NOW LET ME USE GOD AS A HUMAN SHIELD PEW PEW PEW GOD CAN ABSORB YOUR TRUTH BULLETS.
Again with the victim complex. Poor Ray Lewis. Can't you see how it eats at him every single day? How dare you bring up such a painful subject? HE DIDN'T ASK FOR ALL THIS ATTENTION, YOU GUYS. Why don't you just all shut your faceholes and leave the camera on Ray while he dances ... This is why people fucking loathe Ray Lewis. Ask him about that fateful night in Atlanta, and he'll tell you the media are out to get him. But put a camera near him on the field and he sucks that thing up like it's Earth's last bubble of oxygen. LOOK AT ME CRYING TO THE NATIONAL ANTHEM. ARE YOU NOT TOUCHED? Ray Lewis is a cheap televangelist. People who flaunt their faith the loudest are very often the biggest phonies. This is why I'm convinced that Tim Tebow murdered six drifters in the spring of '03 and never told a soul about it. And this is why Ray Lewis comes across as nothing so much as a muscular Jim Bakker with an arm brace. He uses his faith to wrap himself in unearned virtue. Don't you people see that he's in the Super Bowl this year because it's GOD'S TIME? And didn't you know that Ray's magic God hands are the reason Joe Flacco completed that miracle pass to Jacoby Jones? Ray Lewis's success is proof that God loves all of you. And by "God," I mean Ray Lewis. And by "all of you," I mean Ray Lewis, too. Ray Lewis makes Ravens fans 50 times worse. Oh, do you hate Ray Lewis? Well, Ravens fans would just like you to know that you are BUTTHURT (link via Mike Tunison):
A Ravens fan is the kind of fan who loves his team the more everyone else hates it. "It's us against the world!" says the 400-pound asshole in purple camos. I hate that kind of fan. Ray Lewis wasn't that great. It's a whole lot easier making tackles when either Tony Siragusa, Sam Adams, or Haloti Ngata are tying up three linemen at a time, and every scorekeeper credits you with a tackle if your pinky finger happens to touch the pile, and you're hopped up on Bambi's antlers. Let's not suck Ray-Ray's dick too hard. There are other human beings on the Ravens defense, you know. That asshole isn't doing it all by himself. Oh, but I'm sure he lent them his God Powerups. Seriously, the dancing. It's fucking embarassing. So there you have it: the full case against Ray Lewis. Maybe you think he's a reformed man. Maybe you think he's a criminal. Maybe you think he's some kind of fascinating, complex antihero. All I know is that he's annoying in any form and I hope he loses by a thousand points on Sunday. And I hope there's no space left on the field for him to lead a goddamn one-man prayer ring. |
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