The Onion Daily Dispatch - October 18, 2012

Thu Oct 18, 2012 www.theonion.com

Tearful Mitt Romney Announces He Has Rare Disease Where You Can't Sit Quietly On Stool When Repeatedly Asked To 10.17.12 HEMPSTEAD, NY—Highly emotional in the wake of last night’s town-hall-style debate, a tearful Mitt Romney called a press conference this morning to “come clean” about having a rare, little-understood disease known as Shuttlesworth S... News in Brief » Candlelight Vigilante Takes Commemorating Into Own Hands American Voices » Americans' Cholesterol Levels Fall “Hey, we’re only outwardly disgusting now. That’s a start.” opinion » Would A Man Who Doesn't Support Women Let His Wife Pick Out Any Oven She Wants For Her Birthday? by Mitt Romney, Republican Nominee For President Of The United States By Mitt Romney Radio News » Unicycling Bear's Agent Has Long List Of Demands

featured section: » Horoscope » Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19 You'll have your train of thought derailed this week, instantly killing thousands of Indian passengers, injuring countless livestock, and choking the streets with cargo and crew. Most Popular » Tearful Mitt Romney Announces He Has Rare Disease Where You Can't Sit Quietly On Stool When Repeatedly Asked To Would A Man Who Doesn't Support Women Let His Wife Pick Out Any Oven She Wants For Her Birthday? Nation Tunes In To See Which Sociopath More Likable This Time First Question From Debate Audience Somehow Comes From Paul Ryan Area Man On Personal Mission To Explain Why Universally Enjoyed Things Are Bad Debate Gives ESPN Executive Awesome Idea For Show In Which White Guy, Black Guy Ignore Timers And Yell At Each Other

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