The Onion Daily Dispatch - September 18, 2012

Tue Sep 18, 2012 www.theonion.com

Scattered Deaths Of Elderly Floridians Expected Throughout The Week 09.18.12 The Onion Weather Center provides its forecast for Sarasota, Florida where it’s partly cloudy and 84 degrees; Louise Covert, 79, is dead from complications with diabetes; conditions will feel muggy with 80 percent humidity and oh, 98-year-olds Jimm... News in Brief » Skipping Out On Friend’s Birthday Party At Last Minute Closest Woman Will Ever Come To Feeling Rush Of Heroin American Voices » Netanyahu: Iran 6 Months From Bomb “That’s terrifying! We need to give more money to Israel to make things better.” opinion » Your Honor, This Is Going To Sound Silly, But How Am I Doing So Far? by Marshall Braithwaite, Prosecutor By Marshall Braithwaite, Prosecutor Radio News » Unicycling Bear's Agent Has Long List Of Demands

featured section: » Letters To The Editor » Dear The Onion, My eyesight is failing me. Can you start calling me and telling me what happened? I do not need to hear the Jumble puzzle. — Beatrice Pullman, Coral Gables, FL Most Popular » Newborn Loses Faith In Humanity After Record 6 Days No One Murdered Because Of This Image Stephen A. Smith Thinking Son Is Finally Ready For The Sex Argument Romney Just Saying He Grew Up Poor In Memphis Now Obama's 19-Year-Old Son Makes Rare Appearance At DNC Obama: 'Help Us Destroy Jesus And Start A New Age Of Liberal Darkness'

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