Some people are fans of the Green Bay Packers. But many, many more people are NOT fans of the Green Bay Packers. This 2012 Deadspin NFL team preview is for those in the latter group. Read the other Why Your Team Sucks 2012 previews here
1. I hate you. We've gotten a great deal of angry feedback for these previews, all of it highly amusing. A lot of hate mail I get usually features the reader calling me gay and then saying, "You must be a BUTTHURT fan of [insert rival team of the reader here]." And that hasn't been true, until now.
Now, we get to the Packers, and so I will begin this preview by telling you that I am a Vikings fan, and that I do have it in for your team because I fucking hate them, much more so than the Lions or Bears. I'm completely, horribly biased against you. This post comes from a place of genuine hostility, and I want you to know that in advance.
I loathe the Packers. I hate their fucking perfect little organization in their fucking perfect little town with their fucking perfect little stadium with every announcer telling me what a fucking perfect little place Green Bay is for football. Say the word "Packers" to John Madden and he'll close his eyes and have a nine-minute soundless orgasm. It's repulsive. Chris Berman still thinks doing his Facenda voice and saying "FROZEN TUNDRA" is funny. It's not. It's pathetic.
Packers fans are the Trekkies of the NFL. Fat. Slovenly. Unjustifiably arrogant. When you celebrate the Packers, you're celebrating a group of people who never had the intellect or courage to leave Green Bay and actually go DO something with their lives. You're celebrating the likes of Vince Lombardi, who was Nick Saban with bad teeth—a precursor to the modern, powermad, dumbfuck football coaches of today. You're celebrating a group of people who lack the self-awareness to know just what it means to walk around with a cheese block on your head. Do you know how stupid that looks? Do you have ANY self-respect? I went to Milwaukee earlier this year and virtually every Milwaukee resident I met DESPISED the Packers fans from Green Bay, because they didn't want their state represented by a group of fat disgusting mouthbreathing rednecks.
And yes, I am jealous. My team never wins jack shit, and somehow the football Gods smile upon THESE idiots? Ridiculous. The fact that Packers fans are allowed to be happy is proof that God doesn't exist and that this universe is a cold, black, random place that cares little for the travails of mankind.
2. Learn to catch the ball, jackasses. I didn't realize that the Packers imported all of their pass-catching skills from Seattle. Jermichael Finley's hands are even worse than his first name. There's no reason this team won't go 15-1 again and then get its shit owned in the divisional round because dropherpes has infested the roster. All it takes is one bad Finley drop for the rest of this offense to follow suit. Perhaps you fellows should stop doing the Lambeau Leap. You're getting sausage grease smeared all over you.
Remember: This team can't run the ball at all, and the offensive line is worse than it was last year (center Scott Wells has been replaced with the empty husk of Jeff Saturday). Cedric Benson is here now to get 2.5 yards a carry and cause Aaron Rodgers to mutter "fuck it" under his breath by the end of the first quarter. The Packers' entire game strategy is to pass 70 times and hope the other team plays defense just a hair more atrociously than they do. Speaking of which ...
3. The defense is horrible. Peter King says they lead the league in ponytails. There's nothing here to indicate that this defense will be any better than it was last year. Charles Woodson is another year older. Dom Capers still has the worst combover in sports. And A.J. Hawk should go back to his day job of being personal security guard to Lee Donowitz in True Romance. People like Cris Collinsworth excuse this defense all the time by saying stuff like: "Well, this offense is just so good! When your offense is this good, your defense has no choice but to surrender 700 yards a game!" Wrong. No. People love to overrate shitty defenses on teams with great offenses. It baffles me to no end.
4. Remember: One concussion is all it takes. All it takes is one rabid d-lineman to toss Saturday aside, grab Aaron Rodgers's fragile little head, and plant it down into the Earth's inner core. That's all it takes for this team to become worthless. Rodgers will retreat into a world of shadow and fog, never again able to clear the cobwebs from his diseased mind. He'll spend weeks and weeks on the PUP list, with people asking when he'll come back, and only a handful of people will know the truth: that he's NEVER coming back, and that the Packers are about to sink into a second, prolonged Infante Age. You fatties deserve it.
5. Hear it from Packers fans!
Sal:
I decided to go to the playoff game at home against the Giants. I make my way into the game at a reasonable and customary time. I'm at my section and row five minutes before kickoff. I roll up to my seat (first time in Lambeau) and find out that my row has no seats.
Benches only. The "seats" are painted section of the bench where your ass is supposed be. Sort old school... but no problem right?
Wrong, the entire row (except for me) is already in their seats. The "seating" space is for a normal person but everyone in the place is about 175% of a normal person. This situation at Lambeau is fine unless - like me - you're the last guy to get to his seat. Nobody is gonna move their fat ass to make room for you.
David:
They are "owned by the fans' which is really a scam to get donations from Packer fans in exchange for a piece of paper that says they have a share in the team that they cannot do shit with except put in a frame.
John:
Thanks to Ted Thompson, who doesn't believe in signing free agents, I'm supposed to believe these shit leopards who let Kyle Orton throw for 300 yards against them have all their problems fixed just because they drafted Nick Perry and Jerel Worthy? Fuck you!
Steve:
I'm a Packers fan and here's why the Green Bay Packers suck: The overconfidence and arrogance of this franchise can be encapsulated in the fact that they put all-world tackle Herb Taylor in the starting lineup to protect Aaron Rodger's blindside. Herb fucking Taylor.
Clado:
1. They released Nick Collins, the best player on the defense besides Clay Matthews, because, "they wouldn't play their son after an injury like his" even though a doctor didn't say he couldn't play anymore. WELL HE'S NOT YOUR SON AND THE SAFETY NOW IS SOMEONE NAMED M.D. JENNINGS. WHO IS THAT? Just throw Collins out there and hope to God.
2. The Favretards are still out there. Skip Bayless is obviously the most visible one, saying he'd take Tebow over Rodgers because he wins, despite the fact that A-Rod has a Super Bowl. Favre threw away the 4th and 26 game against the Eagles 10 years ago (with the help of Mike F'ing Sherman), blew the 08 NFC Title Game vs. the Giants and threw 6 INTs against the Rams in '01. Need I go on? Rodgers is way better but stupid Favre fans still won't forgive even after a GODDAMN SUPER BOWL FOLLOWED BY AN MVP SEASON.
3. They fix the worst defense in the league by signing Anthony "Suspended for 8 games by the Ginger Hammer" Goodell. And they release Nick Collins, draft a guy from USC to play OLB who's never played it before, draft a safety who they won't use as a safety even though they need one badly and signed Philip Merling whoever that is. Awesome.
4. They resigned legend T.J. Lang but don't wanna take the time to resign Greg Jennings. WHAT?
5. Jermichael Finley has hands of stone and gets a contract extension for it.
6. Dom Capers' defense has been awful for 2/3 of his years here. His Texans teams blew, his Panthers teams had one good year and he wasn't exactly in high demand before the Packers hired him.
Calvin:
Sitting through a Packers game has been known to cause type 2 diabetes. Our defensive ranks are filled with mouth breathing mongoloids who couldn't stop an AIDS ridden baby from rushing for 20 yards a carry.
Erik:
You can get a good view of AJ Hawk in coverage about five steps behind any RB or TE running a route in the flat.
Payton:
1. McCarthy's a fucking troglodyte who just happened to get lucky a couple of times with a hot team. When our pathetic o-line finally lets someone knock out concussion machine Aaron Rodgers and his fancy pillow helmet, Packers fans will be pining for the halcyon days of Mike Sherman.
2. I'm pretty sure that at this point, there's a running pool in the front office about which starter will go down during the season opener. For what it's worth, my money's on Jennings.
4. THE FROZEN TUNDRA OF LAMBEAU FIELD. I mean, I'm a lifelong fan and I dig that it's basically a religious experience and all that good stuff, but I'm a Southern girl and I don't understand the mystique of freezing one's tits off in -13827409 degree Wisconsin weather to watch our quarterback practically lead the team in rushing any more than the rest of you do.
5. On behalf of Packers fans, I'm sorry. We're like you threw Cowboys fans in the FROZEN TUNDRA and gave them cheese, cognitive skills, and a public stock offering. It's just we love our team so much that you have to too, right? Right?
Sam:
There are some people who are still "Favre fans first." Many of whom are women, if you can believe that. FUCK YOU. FUCK YOU ALL TO HELL YOU FAT STUPID IDIOTS.
Louis:
Well, our defense kinda sucks. So there's that.
Andrew:
This team can't play in cold weather. You read that right, a team from Green Fucking Bay Wisconsin is designed to perform best in a dome. They'll inevitably win something like 12-13 games this year and then get stomped at home again by some piece of shit team that can simply hold onto the ball when the temperature drops below 70 degrees. I'm already geared up to turn off the TV and throw shit again in January as Ced Benson coughs up his 6th fumble and some 49er fuckstick runs it back to take a 30 point lead in Lambeau, even though we will probably trash them in week one because it will be warm. God I hate sports.
Eric:
Have anything critical to say about the Packers? "OH YOU MUST BE A BEARS/VIQUEENS FAN" (laughing while simultanously dripping mustard all over their Ray Nitschke jersey). Are you from Illinois? You must be a FIB! (fucking illinois bastard). They need to stop acting like they aren't a slight step above Montana as far as sports relevancy goes. What's worse are those asshole fans that think they are a partial owner of the team because they gave away 250 dollars for a worthless piece of paper I could have printed at home for free. So you are a partial owner of a team? Please show me where your fucking owners box is, asshole. Oddly any Packer's fan owner box has a dead deer hanging that they just shot that morning and has more XXL hunting clothes than Cabelas. More than that they are too stupid to realize that they just gave away 250 dollars to pretty much what amounts to a glorified bake sale for a team trying to raise money because they know if they were to ask the tax payers in Green Bay for it they would have their 4th heart attack from being so upset.
Lambeau Field also sucks and is the most overrated stadium in all sports. You sit on a fucking bench with people that need to buy 2 tickets to the game just so they can sit their fat asses comfortably. Too bad if you get stuck in row with a family of four from Sheboygan, I hope you like sitting in the aisle instead of a seat you paid 200 dollars for. It's also bowl seating since it's stuck in the dark ages and the 250 dollar fund raiser...errr..stock share you purchased isn't going towards arranging better seats. At some point you are so far back in the bowl you could cease to even be considered in the stadium, but you know you are because some asshole is wearing a piece of cheese shaped foam on their head like a huge prick blocking any view you might have. Also, the field is fucking heated from below like every other NFL stadium! Can we stop with this frozen tundra shit? That field is warmer in January than my bathroom floor is.
Jason:
I can't think of another Packer that has done so little to be adored by Packer fans than AJ Hawk. Going to games and seeing the hordes of mouth-breathers wearing his jersey makes me fucking sick. And do you know why? Because if he was a black player from an SEC school (or "gloree boy," if you prefer) they would fucking HATE him. He'd be lazy, he'd be a bust, and he'd be completely unworthy of the ridiculous extension Ted Thompson signed him to. But no, he's a white dude from the Big 10, a conference, home to the Badgers, where things are done the RIGHT WAY (from a purely football standpoint). I seriously want to run up to anyone wearing a Hawk jersey and scream "WHY??????" over and over.
Scott:
Because we re-signed the highly overrated world-class cockbag Jermichael Finley to keep dropping passes.
Emily:
Can we timeout with wearing the hunter's orange at games?
Mark:
Packers fans are just Raiders fans that have permits for their weapons.
Wanna be part of the Deadspin NFL previews? It's simple. Just email me and give me ample evidence of why your team sucks. I'll throw any good material into the post and give you proper credit. Next team up: THE VIKINGS. Do your worst.
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