The Onion Weekly Dispatch - August 22, 2012

Wed Aug 22, 2012 www.theonion.com

2nd-Grade Teacher Can't Believe How Much Fatter They Keep Getting 08.22.12 WASHINGTON, PA—With the 2012-2013 academic year beginning this week, longtime James G. Blaine Elementary School teacher Suzanne Pomponio, 39, expressed her astonishment Wednesday at how much fatter her second-graders keep getting. "I honestly d... Parents Don't Remember Enough Colors To Help With Kindergartner's Homework News in Brief » Area Man Regrets Investing In Facebook Poll Reveals You Live In Country Where Mentally Ill Man Still Has Good Chance Of Being Senator Teacher Just Hopes They Never Google Him American Voices » Hurricane Could Strike RNC “They’ll be fine so long as the mayor sends the city’s sinners and sodomites up north to lure the storm’s wrath.” Myanmar Ends Media Censorship video » Country Artist Sings About Real America And Its Meth Addicts On Today Now!, country singer Heath Williams sings about good old boys who smoke meth until their teeth fall out.  (Aired 11/11/11) opinion » Ask A Freshman English Class Going Around The Room And Saying A Little Bit About Themselves by A Freshman English Class Going Around The Room And Saying A Little Bit About Themselves   Radio News » Farm Subsidy Blown On Farming

featured section: » Horoscope » Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19 Running away from your problems will fail this week, as will climbing out of your problems’ reach and playing dead in hopes that your problems go away. Most Popular » Pregnant Woman Relieved To Learn Her Rape Was Illegitimate 2nd-Grade Teacher Can't Believe How Much Fatter They Keep Getting I Misspoke—What I Meant To Say Is 'I Am Dumb As Dog Shit And I Am A Terrible Human Being' Poll Reveals You Live In Country Where Mentally Ill Man Still Has Good Chance Of Being Senator Area Man Regrets Investing In Facebook Hurricane Could Strike RNC

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