The Onion Daily Dispatch - August 07, 2012

Tue Aug 07, 2012 www.theonion.com

Michele Bachmann Thankful No Americans Died In Sikh Shooting 08.06.12 WASHINGTON—In response to the shooting death of six Sikh worshippers at a temple in Oak Creek, WI yesterday, Rep. News in Brief » NASA Now Almost Positive Mars Is Rocky American Voices » Mars Rover Lands Safely “Yeah, if by ‘safely’ you mean it will never again return home to see the scientists who made it. Poor Mars rover.” opinion » I'm Proud Of All My Songs, Even The Ones I Stole From People I Heard At Open-Mic Nights by Paul Simon By Paul Simon Radio News » Knife Fight Rope-A-Dope Strategy Immediately Regretted

featured section: » Letters To The Editor » Attn: The Onion, I have added your publication to the list of media banned in my country, and there is nothing you can do about it. — Gurbanguly Berdimuhamedow, Ashgabat, Turkmenistan Most Popular » I'm Proud Of All My Songs, Even The Ones I Stole From People I Heard At Open-Mic Nights Michele Bachmann Thankful No Americans Died In Sikh Shooting Nation's Sane People To Nation's Insane People: 'Please Stop Shooting Us' NASA Now Almost Positive Mars Is Rocky Romney Stuck In Endless Loop Of Uncomfortable Chuckling Phelps Drowns

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