The Onion Weekly Dispatch - July 18, 2012

Wed Jul 18, 2012 www.theonion.com

God Admits Humans Not Most Impressive Creation 07.18.12 THE HEAVENS AND THE EARTH—The Lord our God, Divine Creator and Ruler of the Universe, announced Wednesday that He considered mountains, not mankind, to be far and away the most impressive thing He had ever brought into being. Calling the selection ... Commanding General In Afghanistan Has No Idea How War Is Going, Just Trying To Ignore It At This Point News in Brief » Scientists Say U.S. May Have Discovered Previously Unknown Level Of Not Caring About Syria New Study Finds Americans Need 6 Hours Of Sleep At Work Joe Paterno's Name To Remain On Joe Paterno Center For Covering Up Sexual Abuse American Voices » More People Turning To YouTube For News “I knew there was a reason why print newspapers were dying, but I never suspected it had anything to do with the Internet. Thanks, Project for Excellence in Journalism! Once again, you have lived up to your name!” London Olympics Doesn't Have Enough Security Guards video » HP "On That Cloud Thing That Everyone Else Is Talking About" HP announced they're making a new push into cloud computing and that they totally know what that is. opinion » My Year Volunteering As A Teacher Helped Educate A New Generation Of Underprivileged Kids vs. Can We Please, Just Once, Have A Real Teacher by Brandon Mendez, James Miller Elementary School Student Point My Year Volunteering As A Teacher Helped Educate A New Generation Of Underprivileged Kids When I graduated college last year, I was certain I wanted to make a real difference in the world. After 17 years of education, I felt an obligation to share ... Radio News » Despite Lack Of Natural Disaster, Thousands Flee Des Moines, Iowa

featured section: » Horoscope » Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19 You’ve tried all your life to follow your dreams, probably because you had no idea of the terrible places they’d ultimately be going. Most Popular » God Admits Humans Not Most Impressive Creation My Year Volunteering As A Teacher Helped Educate A New Generation Of Underprivileged Kids vs. Can We Please, Just Once, Have A Real Teacher Jeremy Lin's Departure Teaches Knicks Fans Important Lesson About Getting Excited By The Knicks Katie Holmes Glad She Can Finally Practice Scientology In Peace London Olympics Doesn't Have Enough Security Guards Daniel Tosh Chuckles Through Own Violent Rape

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