The Onion Daily Dispatch - March 28, 2012

Wed Mar 28, 2012 www.theonion.com

U.S. Military Desperate To Be Handed Just One Solid War It Can Knock Out Of The Park 03.28.12 ARLINGTON, VA—Reportedly fed up with complicated and protracted operations overseas, top Pentagon officials acknowledged this week they were desperate to be given just one straightforward, no-nonsense military engagement they could really knock out ... News in Brief » 'The Recovery Is Here,' Reports Underemployed Man Making $20,000 Less Than He Used To American Voices » Gingrich Photo Op: $50 "Pricey, sure, but just think how impressed your grandkids will be when they see a picture of you with some guy." opinion » Sometimes I Feel Like I’m The Only One Who Gives A Shit About Rich, Lustrous Hair by Marcus Russo , President and CEO, Pantene By Marcus Russo, President and CEO, Pantene Radio News » 'Phantom Of The Opera' Viewers Treated For Post-Melodramatic Stress Disorder

featured section: » Horoscope » Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19 This is a good time to make big moves at work, as you'll show up Monday to find all the furniture's gone and everyone has relocated to a new office somewhere outside Gary, IN. Most Popular » U.S. Military Desperate To Be Handed Just One Solid War It Can Knock Out Of The Park Homesick Kid On Sleepover Needs To Just Tough It The Fuck Out Women Voters Can't Help Fawning Over Sexist GOP Lawyers Opposing Health Care Law Cite Kids-With-Pre-Existing-Conditions-Can-Go-Fuck-Themselves Clause Gingrich Photo Op: $50 'Phantom Of The Opera' Viewers Treated For Post-Melodramatic Stress Disorder

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