The Onion Daily Dispatch - October 14, 2011

Fri Oct 14, 2011 www.theonion.com

Sight Of Matt Millen On TV Simply Too Much For Nation’s Unemployed To Handle 10.14.11 BRISTOL, CT—The nation's 14 million unemployed persons experienced a combination of rage, disbelief, and near-suicidal depression after seeing former Lions CEO Matt Millen—long regarded as one of the most resoundingly incompetent failures in management history—working as a football analyst on Wednesday's SportsCenter. News in Brief » Handshake Comes In At Unusually High Angle, Velocity American Voices » Christie Endorses Romney "It's statements like that which lead me to believe Christie's still open to a bid for the White House in 2012. Run, Christie, run!" opinion » I'm Moving This Miserable Periodical To The Yukon by T. Herman Zweibel Publisher Emeritus (photo circa 1911) Disturbing reports have been reaching my bronze ear-horn over the past few weeks concerning the goings-on at the many Eastern sea-board offices of The Onion news-paper. Evidently, if accounts from my disgustingly subservient dogsbodies in management are to be believed, the constant rustle of news-print and scratch of fountain-pen nibs has been punctuated by the murmur of pleasant conversation and, in many cases, outright laughter among staffers. Radio News » Goofy Guy Named Gary Enlivens Otherwise Intolerable Wedding Reception

featured section: » Horoscope » Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19 Your belief that everything happens for a reason may remain unshaken in the face of personal tragedy, but you'll certainly be upset when you find out the reason is "to get the Zodiac some chicks." Most Popular » The Demands Of Occupy Wall Street Handshake Comes In At Unusually High Angle, Velocity Last American Who Knew What The Fuck He Was Doing Dies Actor Sometimes Feels Silly Pretending To Be Someone Else Nation Waiting For Protesters To Clearly Articulate Demands Before Ignoring Them U.S. Back On Top As Gas Prices Drop Slightly

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