The Onion Daily Dispatch - July 28, 2011

Thu Jul 28, 2011 www.theonion.com

Al-Qaeda Claims U.S. Mass Transportation Infrastructure Must Drastically Improve Before Any Terrorist Attacks 07.28.11 WASHINGTON—In a 30-minute video released Thursday, al- Qaeda leader Ayman al-Zawahiri criticized the mass transportation infrastructure of the United States, claiming significant repairs and upgrades would need to be implemented before the militant ... News in Brief » New Documentary Focuses On Life Of Eva Braun's Late Husband American Voices » Congressman Resigns Over “Unwanted” Sexual Incident “It’s a good thing he’s staying for a little while. A sexual predator is exactly the kind of sane, reasoned voice we need right now.” opinion » Mom And Dad, I'm Gay And Also Stronger Than Both Of You, So Don't Try Any Shit by Adam Cuneo Mom, Dad, there's something we have to talk about. I've been wanting to tell you this for some time, and I want you to know that while I'm fully aware this might be difficult for you to hear, remember, I am still your son, and I love you very much: Mom, D... Radio News » Abandoned Mall Retains Eerie Vestiges Of Fun Shopping Atmosphere

featured section: » Horoscope » Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19 One of the worst moments of a person's life is when they finally realize that they're mortal and are going to die, especially when it's a person like you who only sees the cement truck at the last second. Most Popular » Al-Qaeda Claims U.S. Mass Transportation Infrastructure Must Drastically Improve Before Any Terrorist Attacks Emergency Team Of 8th-Grade Civics Teachers Dispatched To Washington New Documentary Focuses On Life Of Eva Braun's Late Husband Bachmann Says Unexplained Blackouts From Which She Wakes Up Covered In Blood Won't Affect Ability To Lead Mom And Dad, I'm Gay And Also Stronger Than Both Of You, So Don't Try Any Shit USSR Wins Space Race As U.S. Shuts Down Shuttle Program

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