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Wednesday, November 7, 2012

The Onion Weekly Dispatch - November 07, 2012

The Onion

Defeated Man Victorious 11.06.12

CHICAGO—Following a turbulent first term in office and one of the tightest and most-hard-fought presidential campaigns in recent history, a wholly and utterly defeated man emerged victorious Tuesday, winning reelection by exceeding 270 electoral votes.

'The Onion' Calls Florida, Ohio, Colorado, Pennsylvania For John Edwards

News in Brief »

'I Want To Congratulate The President,' Romney Says In 240,000th And Final Lie Of Campaign

Obama Announces We Are Invading Iran Right Now

Polling Booth Completely Disgusting By Time Last Voters Get There

American Voices »

Ohio May Need Recount

“I doubt that will happen. When has Ohio ever let us down?”

Americans Vote For President

video »

Romney Wins, Obama Reelected, Supernova Destroys Earth All Possibilities In A Random Universe

Our polling experts weigh in on the terrifyingly infinite number of possible election outcomes.

opinion »

This May Not Be The Ideal Moment Politically, But It’s Time To Talk Reparations

by Barack Obama, Incumbent Candidate For President Of The United States

By Barack Obama

Radio News »

Unicycling Bear's Agent Has Long List Of Demands

featured section: »

Horoscope »

Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19

Self-improvement may be a noble goal, but the stars aren’t so sure the leg rests, dual cup-holders, and wood paneling are what people had in mind.

Most Popular »
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