The Onion Weekly Dispatch - November 07, 2012

Wed Nov 07, 2012 www.theonion.com

Defeated Man Victorious 11.06.12 CHICAGO—Following a turbulent first term in office and one of the tightest and most-hard-fought presidential campaigns in recent history, a wholly and utterly defeated man emerged victorious Tuesday, winning reelection by exceeding 270 electoral votes. 'The Onion' Calls Florida, Ohio, Colorado, Pennsylvania For John Edwards News in Brief » 'I Want To Congratulate The President,' Romney Says In 240,000th And Final Lie Of Campaign Obama Announces We Are Invading Iran Right Now Polling Booth Completely Disgusting By Time Last Voters Get There American Voices » Ohio May Need Recount “I doubt that will happen. When has Ohio ever let us down?” Americans Vote For President video » Romney Wins, Obama Reelected, Supernova Destroys Earth All Possibilities In A Random Universe Our polling experts weigh in on the terrifyingly infinite number of possible election outcomes. opinion » This May Not Be The Ideal Moment Politically, But It’s Time To Talk Reparations by Barack Obama, Incumbent Candidate For President Of The United States By Barack Obama Radio News » Unicycling Bear's Agent Has Long List Of Demands

featured section: » Horoscope » Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19 Self-improvement may be a noble goal, but the stars aren’t so sure the leg rests, dual cup-holders, and wood paneling are what people had in mind. Most Popular » 'I Want To Congratulate The President,' Romney Says In 240,000th And Final Lie Of Campaign Defeated Man Victorious The Onion's Live Coverage Of Election Day 2012 Man Who Eats Breakfast At Dunkin' Donuts Every Morning And Enjoys The 'Saw' Films Allowed To Vote Obama Announces We Are Invading Iran Right Now Poll Workers Overhear Biden Repeating Phrase 'Banged Her' While Reading Names On Ballot

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